Life Comes Down Hard.

Another game down in the FF Challenge. I’d played IX before but never finished it so it was good to go back to it. I enjoyed it a lot more than I remembered when playing it before, but then again last time I played it I was still a kid and therefore stupid.

Naturally like all the others I went out of my way to do pretty much everything. I didn’t get Excalibur II because I actually wanted to play the game and enjoy it, not rush through it for 1 item. I also didn’t bother getting all cards etc. because let’s be serious, Tetra master is absolute balls. Loved Triple Triad, mainly because it involved skill not dice rolls. FFIX card game can be so bullshit sometimes (read: most of the time) and I just can’t be arsed with that. I did get all the chocographs and stuff, got all abilities for everyone, defeated Ozma, Hades, etc. etc.

I liked how the game explored the topics of existentialism, death and the meaning of our existence. I’m not so sure about the ending though but I enjoyed the game and it’s story overall. In terms of placing of the games I’ve played so far I’d say it’s probably tying with VIII right now behind VII and VI. The soundtrack is also one of the best in the series, Nobuo on form as always. I think Vivi had to be my favourite character, I mean who doesn’t love Vivi? Saying that I didn’t use him in my final party, I used Zidane, Eiko, Freya and Amarant for the final boss(es). It was pretty refreshing to have a protagonist like Zidane after playing VII and VIII. I think Kuja trumps even Kefka for most camp villain.

It dawned on me today I’ve been at this challenge to finish every Final Fantasy for 18 months now and I still have 7 games to go. I knew it would take a while but I guess I seriously under-estimated just how long. Not that it really matters, I’m not trying to rush through them just going at my own pace. The luxuries of being a bum. X is another game I played but never finished. It’s hard to say how far I got but I reckon I made it around half way through last time. Hopefully Tidus will be a lot less annoying than I remember.

My uncle died today. He’s been ill for a long time now so it wasn’t as much of a shock as you might imagine but still sad and unexpected all the same. I didn’t know him very well, only met the man a handful of times I was old enough to remember. What’s got me down more than anything is the fact my gran called earlier and I never answered. Because we live in the time of Facebook where everyones lives are pinned up for all to see I already knew why she was calling and I never bothered to pick up. I didn’t know what to say her. I’m so pathetic. She just lost her son, she’s recently been diagnosed with cancer, she lives 15 minutes walk from me and I never visit her all because I’m too much of a coward to even attempt a conversation with someone. She must think I’m such a cunt, that I don’t even care.

I care. I wish I could show people. Just two weeks ago I was having lunch with my mum and she asked me if I feel anything. Imagine being asked a question like that when you’re being eaten alive inside by every little thing. It wasn’t in a nasty way, it was concerned more than anything I guess. It was in reference to a previous point in my life where I announced and thus recieved help (of sorts) for depression without actually declaring I was depressed. She just wanted to know if I actually felt depressed, if I felt anything. I was, but I couldn’t tell her. I avoided it like every other time my own emotions or personal issues are brought up. I wish I could meet someone I could just open up to, if such a person actually exists, or am I doomed to carry this ever increasing weight upon my shoulders for the rest of days. I can see myself being crushed beneath it. I notice I’m withdrawing from the world more and more as I rot away in here. I don’t know how to break free.

Why am I awake? It’s slowly but surely driving me insane. It feels like I’m living every day twice. They pass slowly. They are empty and monotonous with no apparent end in sight. In a vain attempt to return to normality I force myself to stay awake. At 10:30pm I head to bed and drift off within minutes. I don’t remember what I dream about. I get a solid eight hours but it doesn’t refresh me. 10:30pm the following night should I not be tired? Then why am I still awake, 4am and counting.

What’s worse is how little it affects anything besides my sanity. I sleep through the day and it has no consequence. I have nothing to do and no-one to see. What a miserable existence.